stefanie-gumber

5 Powerful Ways I Overcame Yelling as a Parent

hello@pivotalparentingresources.com (Stefanie Gumber) — Sat, 02 Nov 2024 17:37:41 GMT

Frustrated with Constantly Yelling at Your Kids?

5 Powerful Ways I Overcame Yelling as a Parent

Parenting can bring out the best—and sometimes the most challenging—parts of ourselves. For me, one of those challenges was yelling. I found myself raising my voice more than I wanted to, often out of frustration or feeling overwhelmed. But I knew that yelling wasn’t creating the connection I wanted with my kids, and it wasn’t the parent I wanted to be. So, I set out on a journey to find a new way forward.

If you’re in the same boat, here are five powerful strategies that helped me move beyond yelling and parent with more calm and compassion.

1. Practicing the Pause

Taking a moment to pause before reacting.

I started noticing that my urge to yell was often an automatic reaction. By training myself to pause, even just for a few seconds, I gave myself the chance to choose a different response. I’d take a deep breath, count to five, and remember that my reaction could either escalate or calm the situation.

Pro tip: Practice a grounding technique when you feel frustration rising. Even a few deep breaths can help you reset and approach the situation calmly.

2. Identifying My Triggers

Becoming aware of the situations or behaviors that trigger my urge to yell.

I realized that certain situations—like mornings when we were running late or times when my kids weren’t listening—triggered my frustration. By identifying these triggers, I could prepare myself mentally and plan a more measured response. Knowing my triggers helped me respond from a place of understanding rather than react in anger.

Pro Tip: Keep a “trigger journal” for a week. Write down the moments when you feel the urge to yell and look for patterns. Awareness is the first step to breaking the cycle.

3. Reframing My Mindset

Shifting my perspective from control to connection.

I realized that my instinct to yell came from wanting control. When I started viewing challenging moments as opportunities for connection rather than battles to win, everything changed. Instead of seeing my kids’ behavior as “bad,” I started seeing it as communication. This mindset shift helped me respond with empathy and foster a more trusting relationship with my children.

Pro Tip: Try asking yourself, “What is my child trying to tell me with their behavior?” This question helps to shift your perspective and approach situations from a place of understanding.

4. Building My Emotional Resilience

Strengthening my ability to manage stress and stay calm in difficult moments.

Parenting can be emotionally exhausting, and I realized that my emotional resilience played a huge role in my reactions. I started taking better care of myself by setting boundaries, prioritizing sleep, and creating moments for self-care. By filling my own cup, I was better equipped to handle challenging situations without losing my cool.

Pro Tip: Incorporate small acts of self-care into your daily routine, even if it’s just 5 minutes to breathe or stretch. The more resilient you feel, the less likely you are to reach a breaking point.

5. Repairing After Mistakes

Acknowledging when I do raise my voice and making it a learning moment.

I learned that the goal wasn’t to be a “perfect” parent but to be a real one. There were still times I’d slip up and yell, but I started using those moments as an opportunity to reconnect with my kids. I’d apologize, explain why I got frustrated, and let them know that I’m working on it too. This helped me show my children that mistakes are part of learning and growth, and it strengthened our bond.

Pro tip: If you find yourself yelling, remember that repair is powerful. Apologize and let your kids know you’re committed to improving. This models accountability and shows them that mistakes don’t define us.

Yelling is something many of us experience as parents and breaking that habit can be challenging. But by implementing these strategies—pausing, understanding our triggers, shifting our mindset, building resilience, and practicing repair—we can create a more peaceful, connected relationship with our children. Remember, it’s a journey, and progress is more important than perfection.

If you’re on this path too, know that you’re not alone. Let’s support each other on the journey to becoming calmer, more connected parents. You’ve got this! ��✨

My Journey into Parent Coaching

Sat, 01 Jun 2024 14:41:42 GMT

The Road To My Life's Purpose

In the dim light of a hospital room, after 17 hours of labor, I held my sweet baby boy in my arms for the very first time. The emotions were intense and incredibly overwhelming—love, joy, and an enormous sense of responsibility to this tiny human. In that moment I realized I had just been given the most important job I’ve ever had. As I looked into those innocent eyes, I knew that my life's purpose had just crystallized: to give my children the best possible foundation. What I didn't realize at the time was how much this purpose would ignite a passion within me that would change my entire life.

Parenting is often romanticized as a joyful and fulfilling experience—and while it undoubtedly is—no one tells parents about the myriad of challenges that can push even the strongest among us to the brink. I vividly remember the sleepless nights, the countless moments of self-doubt, and the overwhelming fear of not being good enough and the fear that I would “mess up my kids.” There were moments when I felt utterly lost, trapped in a cycle of frustration, overwhelm, and exhaustion. It was in these dark moments that I realized the desperate need for support and guidance. I just knew something was missing.

My journey into Parent Coaching began with a personal transformation. Desperate for answers and support I sought out and hired a Parent Coach. I dove head-first into studying child development, neuroscience, and emotional regulation. I learned about the powerful impact that a parent's emotional state has on their child's development. I discovered techniques for healing and regulating my own emotions, which in turn helped me to become a more present and compassionate parent. The changes in my relationship with my children were profound. My children’s tantrums and emotional outbursts happened less often and were less intense. It was incredible! I thought about how different my parenting experience would have been if I had this knowledge prior to having children. It was then that I knew I had found my calling.

I have seen firsthand the transformative power Parent Coaching holds. When parents learn to heal their own emotional wounds and regulate their emotions, they create a safe and nurturing environment for their children. This not only helps children to grow into emotionally healthy and resilient individuals themselves, but it also breaks the cycle of generational trauma. I am driven by the vision of a world where parents are equipped with the knowledge, tools and support they need to raise emotionally intelligent and resilient children. What keeps me going is the belief in the ripple effect of empowered parents. When parents heal and regulate their emotions, they not only change the trajectory of their own lives but also the lives of their children and future generations. My hope is that my work will help create a more compassionate and emotionally intelligent society. By helping parents, I believe we can heal the world, one family at a time.

This mission is deeply personal. I know what it feels like to struggle, to feel inadequate, and to be overwhelmed by the demands and immense reasonability of parenting. But I also know the profound joy and fulfillment that comes from overcoming these challenges and growing into a more resilient and compassionate parent. This is why I am so passionate about parent coaching—because I want to share the tools and insights that have transformed my life with other parents who are struggling. I am driven by the belief that every parent deserves support, empathy, and the tools to heal and regulate their emotions. I truly believe this work can create a world where parents feel empowered, children grow up in emotionally healthy environments, and the cycle of trauma is broken. This is more than just a profession; it is a deeply personal and heartfelt mission. It is about healing, empowerment, and creating lasting change. It is about transforming pain into purpose and using my own experiences to help others navigate the beautiful, challenging journey of parenting. By helping parents heal, we can create a ripple effect that will change the world. This is my purpose in the world, and it is what fuels my passion every single day.

One Thing I Would NEVER Do Again As a Parent

Mon, 28 Sep 2020 20:02:52 GMT

If you feel like simply getting out the door on time (tie your shoes… where’s your coat… do you have your lunch??) is a battle, the reality is that you are locked in a power struggle with your child.

Someone will “win” and someone will “lose.”

And while this can be hard to recognize in the moment, power struggles are counter productive when it comes to cultivating a loving, healthy relationship with your child.

Power over dynamics are ubiquitous in our culture. However, when we tap into a larger truth we can see that everyone is divinely worthy of their own thoughts, emotions and experiences.

Yep! Even your kids. When we succumb to the candy of a power struggle, we are diminishing our child’s (the one we’d gladly dive in front of a bus for) self-worth, inner authority and ultimately, causing separation in the relationship through an erosion of trust.

While the stakes of this seem small when children are young, this can lead to really negative repercussions when these little cuties turn into big cuties. Teenagers who aren’t in communication with their parents about big challenges make poor decisions.

However, when trust and communication strategies are established early, there is an unshakable foundation that you child knows they can rely upon. They will come to you. Even when things are hard.

This is not a case for permissive parenting.

Clearly, we are charged with teaching our children to behave in acceptable ways, and to embody the values that we hold dear. I’ve learned that this is far more effectively done through conscious communication and emotional demonstration than the old “power over” ways that most of us were parented.

When my kids were little, I was a HUGE fan of the show “Supernanny.” She relied on a punishment and apology frame. Time outs were the relied upon method of bending a 3-year old to your will as a parent. (I personally loved the show because it made me feel like other people were way worse at this parenting thing than I was, and I wasn’t particularly confident in my skills at the time.)

I implemented her methods with gusto.

You will put on your shoes, or else….

You will eat your broccoli, or else…

You will NOT hit your sister, or else…

Time out.

The deal was your kiddo was supposed to sit there for the number of minutes as their age, then apologize. If they didn’t apologize they had to sit there for another round.

I knew that this method wasn’t going to work the day my 3-year old son sat on that step for well over an hour (you do the math). But then… even worse, he wouldn’t look at me for the rest of the afternoon.

I’d damaged our relationship in the name of control, and I vowed I would never do it again.

The key is to learn to be an authoritative parent that sees, understands and respects the individual experience of your child. When you communicate clearly, and are willing to own your own emotional experience, while allowing this little human to own his or hers, you can be in a powerful cooperative relationship.

Power struggles will sometimes (rarely) be necessary. So save them for when they count.